A Looking Back With Gratitude to God

S. Ma. Luz M., RVM

What a special privilege it is to be given an opportunity to look back at my twenty-four years as an RVM in preparation for my Silver Jubilee next year. My deep and heartfelt THANKS to my Mother Congregation for all the love and concern, support and care, and never-ending opportunities for growing in the religious life God has called me to live. THANKS to my Sisters in the Congregation, my family, friends and benefactors, all the people I have worked with, and all those who have touched my life and whose lives I have touched through the years.

This looking back has led me to thank God for who He is to me and who I am to Him. God’s call, indeed, is the greatest thing that ever happened in my life. In the beginning, my friends and I thought I deserved this call. But as I went through my postulancy, my noviceship, my juniorate, and my years as a perpetually-professed Sister, I realized more and more that never could I have deserved such a call. As I came to know and experience Jesus more and more in the Eucharist, in Scriptures, in prayer, in the apostolate, in community, in people and in every event that had happened to me, the more I realized how GOOD, how GREAT, how AWESOME is my God . . . and the more I saw myself as I really am—weak and sinful, but nevertheless loved by God who is Himself unconditional love and compassion.

Religious life, for me, has been like climbing a mountain. The higher I climbed, the more I saw a wider and fuller view of God’s goodness and love. There had been times, though, when I dreaded the pains of climbing and falling down; when I shirked from the hard work, the discipline and sacrifice I had to go through; when I was discouraged by the heavy load (me and my weaknesses) I was carrying. Many times I begged Jesus to move the mountain. But many times too had Jesus chided me: “I’m not going to move the mountain. Hold my hand and I’ll teach you how to climb . . . one step at a time.” And so, with trust in my heart, I held Jesus’ hand . . . and true enough, He taught me and continues to teach me how to ascend the mountain of perfection.

There were times when I was negatively critical (even cynical) and kept attacking the structures of our religious life, the Church, and our society. What madness! “Madness to fight outside ourselves when the struggle is within!” God, in His steadfast kindness and mercy, allowed me to meet the “Stranger”--JESUS CHRIST--who helped me reinterpret and make sense with all that was happening to me during those times. The journey to my true self and to what God really wanted for me was long and painful. But I finally came home to myself and found meaning in my struggles within. I became free when I faced and accepted reality for what it really is--- that I have my own strengths and weaknesses; that others, too, have their own strengths and weaknesses; that reality is not perfect; that growth is gradual and painful. I became free when I accepted the fact that God truly cares; that even when there seems to be no tomorrow, I can entrust myself to this God who holds tomorrow in His hands. I really need not fear the unknown, the painful and the unpredictable because God is there too; that in allowing myself to be vulnerable and not to be in control, God can form me. I became free when I acknowledged with reverence the primordial reality that God is my God and Creator, totally Other and different from me and that I am only a part of His creation, a mere human being; that He has a right over me and can do with me what He wishes. I thanked Jesus for my “Emmaus” experiences because like the two disciples who in the end said: “Were not our hearts burning within us . . .” my heart was also burning with awe and gratitude at Jesus who journeyed with me and continues to journey with me in good times and in bad, in sorrow and in joy, in darkness and in the light . . . and as He promised: “. . . even until the end of time.”

There were times, too, when I felt I was in the dark. . . and I begged the Lord to give me the light I needed so badly. But my desires were not always granted. The Lord just asked me to put my hand in His hand . . . and together we walked through the darkness. What a wonderful way to make me know that religious life is one of FAITH, of walking with HIM always and all the way unto the end, even in darkness.

I certainly can not thank God enough for the wonders He has done in me and through me. It is only by His grace that I was able to give myself in generous love and service in the past twenty-three years. I’ve had my share of mediocrity, mistakes and failures . . . but my God is a God of mercy. He has always made me learn from my mistakes and rise up from my failures. He has always affirmed the many gifts He has given me. He has never gotten tired of reminding me of the many areas where I have to grow in. He renewed me by His inspiration and grace and enabled me to “walk” and “climb” again no matter how steep and high and rugged the mountain has become. He has even brought me to the “sea of life” and taught me how to float trustingly in His love.

Indeed, my religious life has been a lovely combination of joy and sorrow, of light and darkness, of emptying and filling in, of pruning and growing, of climbing and falling, of swimming and floating—a sharing certainly in the PASCHAL MYSTERY of JESUS CHRIST. With the total reality of my being, of my goodness and weakness, of my holiness and sinfulness, I continue to desire to be like “an empty reed placed before the Divine Piper’s lips playing whatever song may give joy to the Divine Piper Himself” (homily of Bishop Gaudencio Rosales on our first profession).

Through the prayers of Mary, may the Lord help me to carry on in this life for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, in praise or blame, in honor or dishonor. May I always humbly open myself to the reminder of revered Mother Foundress that: “The service of God, our Father, whose greater honor and glory must be the motive of all our acts.” (1726 Constitution, IV.16) . . . and therefore live my religious life for love of God and His greater honor and glory. May I continue to look back with gratitude in my heart and look forward with hope and joy for the best that is yet to come through God’s mercy and generosity.